O is for Oral Sex

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From Roy Graff / Open Relating

What is Oral Sex?

Oral sex refers to the use of the mouth, tongue (and teeth) to stimulate and give pleasure to our partner’s erogenous zones. Beyond the genitals, there are other areas that can be a focus of oral stimulation, including the perineum, anus, neck, behind the ears, between the fingers and toes, and more areas that are worthy of exploration. The lips and tongue are incredibly soft and sensitive instruments of pleasure.

In our fast-food culture, oral is often reduced to blowjobs for penis owners and flicking the clitoris with the tongue for vagina owners. We can and should be much more intentional and thoughtful in our approach to oral play.

About the author

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Roy Graff draws inspiration from training in Psychosynthesis Psychotherapy, Radical Honesty, Non-violent Communication and Wheel of Consent training as well as Burning Man principles. He offers coaching and mentoring to individuals, couples and polycules. His services are inclusive and affirming of all gender, sexual orientations and relationship dynamics.
Website: https://openrelating.love
Instagram: @openrelating
Twitter: @openrelating
Facebook: openrelationg
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You may not be able to stimulate yourself orally, but you can use your touch to explore your erogenous zones and discover what brings you more pleasure. This can be communicated to your lover to help them pleasure you better. Communication is key, so let them know what you enjoy, when to increase or decrease pleasure and to avoid things that are painful or just not that nice.

When I receive oral stimulation, much of the enjoyment comes from knowing that my partner is doing something they personally love. When I give oral, I approach it as a wonderful experience for me to cherish. Using your voice to express your pleasure of both giving and receiving, is important to maintain connection with your partner when they are unable to see your face.

Giving oral to vagina owners

The clitoris may be the obvious target for stimulation, but the whole of the labia is worthy of attention due to the concentration of nerve endings. Clitoral sensitivity varies widely between people, so it is important to be aware of how your partner likes to be stimulated, and vary your technique while paying attention to their response.

For some, it is so sensitive that the lightest touch can send them flying and it sometimes helps to do so through clothing. For others, hard and robust rubbing is needed. If your tongue gets tired, you can use your fingers for both clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Even your nose can step in for relief!

Clitoral sensitivity varies widely between people, so it is important to be aware of how your partner likes to be stimulated.
Clitoral sensitivity varies widely between people, so it is important to be aware of how your partner likes to be stimulated.
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Giving oral to penis owners

Similarly, penis sensitivity varies greatly. Give attention to the entire shaft and the ballsack, and notice the response to different areas. While ‘deep-throating’ might be all the rage in porn, many people have a gag reflex that make this difficult to impossible for them. One trick that can simulate the feeling, is to use a lot of saliva and use your hands to follow your mouth in a smooth single motion.

For penis owners, ask for clarity about whether ejaculating in your partner’s mouth is a possibility or not.
For penis owners, ask for clarity about whether ejaculating in your partner’s mouth is a possibility or not.
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For all genitals

Try a combination of tongue, fingers and sometimes teeth. The area can get over-sensitive if you give too much of the same thing, so introduce variety. It is common for people to increase speed and pressure as their partner is close to climax, and that will work for some, and not for others so experiment or ask them. Sometimes it can be better to stick to the same rhythm that seems to get them excited.

  • As the receiver, don’t be shy of giving feedback with words or your body language, asking for what will make it better.
  • As the giver, you can use your words or follow their non-verbal queues to find out what will make the experience even better.

Communicate in advance around sexual health. Most people who use condoms for intercourse, do not use them for oral. While STI transmission is lower, it is still possible, and standard STI tests do not offer an oral swab unless you specifically ask for it. Talking about your own risk-tolerance beforehand is recommended. For penis owners, ask for clarity about whether ejaculating in your partner’s mouth is a possibility or not - do not give them a warm spurty surprise!

There does not have to be a goal or objective to oral sex, so simply enjoy the sensations and the connection that is you generate together.

What do you enjoy about Oral Sex? Join the discussion here!

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