Is breaking up getting easier, harder, or the same?

I'm relatively indifferent to it, always have been. The way I see it both people are tolerating each other's sh_t until something pushes that over the edge. I know that sounds... cold but I just see it all in a pragmatic way as well. I understand the concept of love and caring but I don't like to play these mental control games that seem to be popular as of late.

It is getting slightly easier as I grow older ...

Last time someone broke up with me was about two years ago. After a 4years relationsshio. Thought we were friends and it seemed we could talk about things like adults. But in the end I got only an E-Mail telling me that he fell in love with someone else ... an e-mail! That hurt. No matter how old I get things like that will always hurt.

...you were lucky. Nowadays you are terminated by WhatsApp or by nothing at all...

@**********onsun I don't know if mind fucking is exclusive to the current times. It seems to be more acceptable than in previous times.

I don't do hot and cold or gaslighting. Once I realize I'm being mind fucked, I'm done. Full stop.

TBH, I'd say it depends. In my experience, breakups are harder the longer the relationship was. If it just got serious, there isn't much that's lost. No mutual experiences, not much time you spent together, not many live choices you made together, not any goals you worked for as a team.
But once you've been a couple for a few years, lived together maybe, had children, shared live with each other... once that happened, there's way more at stake and if there isn't any way to still keep going, it's seriously hard to let go.

@*******n74 yea same here. Your right it's not new just more accepted I guess BUT I don't play< those games sooooo yeah they can miss me with that. I'm also not a fan of the light-switch mentality so I have to ditto your reaction...

...it depends on how many emotions, hopes and dreams you invested even in a short relationship...

It sure does. It's also why I'm careful investing too much of that until the point where I feel confidet enough that the relationship does at least have a chance to "work" - because in the last years, I often had new relationships fail purely because the "logistics" of them didn't quite work (how much contact is needed and wanted, how does communication work, what does each person hope for in that relationship, etc). Granted though, this might likely be differnet for non-poylamorous people, because there's a bit less "logistics" involved.

Well its hard to stop an relationship for sure! Its allways the same i guess...

... but then its hard to bring oneself to it without an emotional investment.

That said, it does get easier . It is often about not being the only 'important' part of ones life.
With age, there are distractions aplenty. It is perhaps an inverted bell curve, with the capacity to bear peaking as matures and eventually one does et more vulnerable again.
Isn't it about accepting that vulnerability is a human trait that just needs to be embraced.

In previous breakups, I had mixed feelings that were mostly negative.

This time I had a sense of relief, which I found kind of odd. He was awesome except for the whole emotional intelligence issue. However, it was enough for me to accept the end of the relationship with a sense of relief instead of remorse or rejection.

Having firm boundaries on what I will and will not tolerate seems to be easier for dealing with poor matches. I highly recommend it.

I've been there. What I learned from it: a relationship is always a mix of giving something and taking something. As long as a relationship (NOT the partner, bnut the relationship - the feeling of intimacy, connection, being important to someone, having somebody who trusts me, and so on) gives me more than I need to invest in it, it's a good, healthy relationship. If I need to put more effort into keeping it going and keeping me and my partner happy than I get back (again: NOT from my partner, but from having a relationship), it's not woth keeping it.

ENding such relationship might feel like a relief - and it shows it was about time to end it.

Hmm great question and great discussion. I find that the answer to how difficult it is depends on the level of self acceptance each party has. Not that a self-aware person feels no disappointment or abandonment. But living and letting live seems to be the way of the stronger psyche

Thank you for this thread. I have just (summer) been in a break-up after 22 years of marriage. And honestly - I took it hard. Self doubt set in, what did I do wrong? It took a while for me to understand that there are two people in a relationship, and for it to work, both need to want the same thing. I suspect it is easy to get trapped in the idea that everyone thinks the same way, and importantly - has the same expectations.
It seems to me that expectations are the killer, as when they are not fulfilled, disappointment sets in. But you only created that disappointment for yourself, as you had the expectation that the other person would or would not do something.
In my humble opinion, the most important thing though is the person who enters into the relationship. DO you love yourself enough (in a good sense, not narcissistically) to enjoy time by yourself? If yes, you can enter a relationship in the knowledge that it is a bonus, and not the main game. Because again, you're going to end up relying on the other person to fulfill you. And THAT will NEVER work.

@***70 Divorce is really tough; especially after 2 decades together. I applaud people who have the courage to end a long-term relationship. Most people would rather "stick it out" and stay miserable (the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know) instead of ending an often toxic relationship; than to find a healthier partner.

I used to search for attributes that I liked about people, regardless of intimacy level. I now search for attributes I don't like about people but can live with or tolerate easily.

Too often people think about what they like but they don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about what they don't like.

I think it's because it comes up your mind easier and sells better. Honestly speaking I dunno how I'd think about a profile that mostly is about what the person doesn't like.
Putting the main criteria in the description and finding out the rest during conversation is what I prefer.
To the main topic:
I've never been broken up, just betrayed once by one of my very 1st GF. Would think always feels shitty, regardless of time and age.
Myself I'd find it more difficult the more I care for the person, even if it doesn't work out (anymore).

It gets easier as you get older. You have a thicker skin so to speak. Most of us have had and lost a serious relationship by the time you are 40 or so. Breakups of long term relationships are never easy but the first is the hardest. You learn from your mistakes or mistakes others have made with you.

With Covid and Tinder, people have become more flaky in my opinion. I've heard from so many who have made a date with someone that are then ghosted. Basically people don't even want to take the time to say that something came up or they were in to you yesterday but not today.

It’s heart rending and takes away a bit of your soul.I don’t know but it’s like a vacuum cleaner is continuously trying to empty your heart 😢

That sounds like a good idea but I have to say that IMHO it also has some catches.

Personally I tend to collect clearer ideas and hence a larger amount of those things I'd rather not tolerate.

I sense that this ever growing collection of KO-criteria might make relationships quite complicated for me in the future.

Even more so, as I strongly believe that you'll hardly find anyone out there who hasn't one such weak spot.

With that thought in mind, I'd say breaking up (actively, at least) tends to get harder over the years.

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