How do you deal with Jealousy?

*******brat Woman
387 Posts
Thread creator JOY-Team 
How do you deal with Jealousy?
Jealousy is something a lot of us have to deal with in our relationships, monogamous or non-monogamous. In itself it is a feeling and a fact of live, we can learn to handle. The goal often isn’t to stop being jealous but to learn how to handle jealousy.
In our article J is for Jealousy you can learn more about jealousy and it’s causes. Which can help dealing with being jealous.
It suggests treating jealousy as a symptom and to address underlying causes and to openly communicate about your feelings and fears.

  • How do you experience jealousy?
  • How do you handle being jealous in your relationships?
  • How do you support a jealous partner, without giving up your need?


Best
Servicebrat
JOY-Team
**C Man
10,112 Posts
...I perceive jealousy as a negative character trait. I find especially people with unjustified jealousy very annoying. I could not live in a relationship with such a person for a long time. I am not jealous by nature. I trust my partner. However, I am also not naive and have a fine feeling when something does not seem right...
*********olate Woman
11 Posts
Jealousy... Why does someone need to be jealous??? Being in a relationship does not mean, that one stops having their own life, their own friends, own hobbies, etc. The partner doesn't belong to you. Being in a relationship means sharing your time /life together. Support. Unconditional love, acceptance. And trust. It's important to be able to openly talk about whether someone else is beautiful or not. It's important to be able to go out with people of the opposite sex. And it is important to keep in mind, that very rarely, can one partner meet all of your needs. It is even more important to keep in mind, that it is NOT the responsibility of a partner, to meet all of your needs. Or wants. Or expectations. If a partner wants to cheat, they will do it. No matter how good or bad the relationship is. Being jealous and nagging about different issues only makes things worse. And pushes the partner further away.
Being jealousy - free is exactly that. Feeling free. Knowing, that u cannot control your partners actions or thoughts. Knowing, that u trust. And want your partner to be happy. Knowing that your partner can experience anything that he/she wants to experience, to make them happy. And if they need to cheat, then u know, your relationship needs work, a decision. Or needs to end. It's simple actually.
****ra Woman
8 Posts
Great article from Roy. Couldn’t agree more with the opening: „Jealousy is one of the most misunderstood human emotions. In fact, it is not a single emotion but a collection of feelings, insecurities and anxieties […]“

Once we find out the underlying emotions and look at them from a perspective of curiosity, rather than something that we need to get rid off, it helps tremendously with our personal growth, to really see our shadows that are often suppressed because we are not „supposed“ to feel that way.

Multyamory just released two episodes on 50 ways to handle jealousy: Links for members only
*******ngo Man
11 Posts
It's inherently built in, something that, if you recognise the negativity of it can be dealt with. It's what motivates many,,to be better than the, Smith's, next door. Simplistic and narrow references towards sexual jealousy are too narrow. If anyone has never felt a moment of jealousy, they are icebergs emotionally.
*******ngo Man
11 Posts
Human beings have imagination. With imagination, comes complexity,,and,,jealousy,,,if, one is honest. Trust is the key
*****SFX Man
39 Posts
I don’t deal with jealousy… I don’t get jealous, do not want to own anyone, I am not a possession and a person who chooses time with me has nothing to do with the time they spend with someone else. Jealousy is a negative and people will spend worthless amounts of time on jealousy when they could be enjoying that invaluable moment instead.
*********olate Woman
11 Posts
NCWVISFX - lovely answer!!!!
**C Man
10,112 Posts
Quote from *****SFX:
I don’t deal with jealousy… I don’t get jealous, do not want to own anyone, I am not a possession and a person who chooses time with me has nothing to do with the time they spend with someone else.

...that all sounds generous and understanding. I am well aware that I cannot possess a person. But if I have deep feelings for that person, I can't prevent myself from generating emotions and feelings for her, and it hurts when I feel that the bond that person has had with me up until now is no longer the same....
*****SFX Man
39 Posts
Quote from **C:
Quote from *****SFX:
I don’t deal with jealousy… I don’t get jealous, do not want to own anyone, I am not a possession and a person who chooses time with me has nothing to do with the time they spend with someone else.

...that all sounds generous and understanding. I am well aware that I cannot possess a person. But if I have deep feelings for that person, I can't prevent myself from generating emotions and feelings for her, and it hurts when I feel that the bond that person has had with me up until now is no longer the same....

I understand your dilemma… But returning to Psychology 101… you have to understand that love is not one big pie. If someone loves someone and then has a love for another person it is not taking from one pie. Each person is a separate pie. Like your children. Having a second child does not mean you have to love the first one less. The only value of importance to me is time. I value the time a person wants to spend in my company. It is the only measure of a person’s emotions towards me. If they are choosing time with me, then I want to make that time the best it can be. If they are with someone else, it is nothing to do with me. It’s not about me and I can’t feel hurt by it. I want the people I value in my life to explore and live. It makes everyone better. I don’t choose to ever feel regret and I don’t want the people in my life that I value to regret either. If it is meant to be, it will be, and when it comes to other people, sometimes you have to let them be who they are. It is actually what attracts you to them in the first place and the worst thing possible is to make them feel guilty for being who they are
**C Man
10,112 Posts
Quote from *****SFX:
If someone loves someone and then has a love for another person it is not taking from one pie. Each person is a separate pie.

...if you eat from too many different pies, you risk falling sick...

Quote from *****SFX:
Like your children. Having a second child does not mean you have to love the first one less.

...thats the way it should be. But the reality shows that one of them will be your favorite...
*********olate Woman
11 Posts
Ftc

My reality is, that I have 4 children. And I love them all exactly the same. No favorites.

If the bond between you and your honey is strong, then there is no need for jealousy. Each can experience their pleasures with each other, and with others. ( and I'm not talking about just sex)
If u notice the bond fading or becoming less, jealously won't help. Then it's time to find out why the bond is not so strong, what the reasons are behind it.
*****SFX Man
39 Posts
Quote from **C:
Quote from *****SFX:
If someone loves someone and then has a love for another person it is not taking from one pie. Each person is a separate pie.

...if you eat from too many different pies, you risk falling sick...

Quote from *****SFX:
Like your children. Having a second child does not mean you have to love the first one less.

...thats the way it should be. But the reality shows that one of them will be your favorite...


I have never got sick and have shared with a lot of wonderful people throughout my life. I don’t agree with favourites. That maybe how your mind works but it is definitely not how mine does. I am closer to some more than others. But that is about connection, which dictates time. I prioritise my time and I am completely honest with everyone. My friends know that I have a deeper connection with a specific person. But that person and everyone else also know that I will not be owned. I give my love and emotions 100% to whoever I am with in that moment. They are the only existence when I am with them and my feelings for others are not a part of that emotion, nor does it impact.

A lot of people want the Church mandate of commitment monogamy etc. The church is about oppressing women and controlling the most powerful weapon on our planet, the female form. Everything we do is for a better mate and the church chooses to make female sexuality a sin so as to control and actually oppress their male weakness. Make it all the woman that is at fault. I am not going to have more children, so the idea of committing to create stability for bringing up children is now passed for me. I had my soul mate for 33 yrs married and we eventually needed different things. We are still friends, I still love her deeply, but we are both on different journeys now. I don’t seek marriage, but welcome connection with those who are very special to me. There is no favourites, as that would demean everyone I know. Every person is individual and have their value and I leave comparisons to those who do not realise that they are objectifying. Respect and love a person for who they are, faults included, as imperfection is one of the greatest attractions that separate a person from others.
******ado Man
13 Posts
I think jealousy just reveals unfulfilled needs. It has nothing to do with the other person (or people). If you're jealous, it means you see someone else getting something you want/need/desire. So, talk about that. Explore that need/desire. Make sure it gets satisfied.

And frankly, that's an opportunity in the context of JoyClub. Sometimes we aren't really aware of why we're jealous, or what makes us feel that way. Exploring sexuality with others is a great way to dig into that feeling. Talk through the scenarios... Why don't you want him touching me that way? Or how do you feel when she does that to me? Figure out those feelings, and jealousy goes away.
*********olate Woman
11 Posts
@******ado

For most people, jealousy does not reveal unfulfilled needs. Many people don't like to share their partners. Many people want to be the only exciting, attractive person in their partners lives. They don't want their partners experiencing something with someone other than themselves. Most people cannot accept, that they are the only ones, who can fill their partners needs. And they don't realize that it is not one person's responsibility to fulfill the partners needs.
***ul Man
376 Posts
Tool me a while but at some time i realized my jealousy would NOT keep my Girl of the other man if SHE want it that way.

And simple as that i realized, i cant do anything to prevent that. So, whenever a guy is asking me if my girl is Single or i watch them try to talk to her, i let it go. Cause Look at her, if she wants to leave me, i cant do anything. And if she want to cheat, i cant prevent either.
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