Cultural differences in flirting and dating

*****alS

7,395 Posts

Thread creator

Dear JoyClub community,

in another thread (you can find it here: English ex porn star on here for fun and single ), I once again realized of how different language used when looking for partner s(sex or otherwise) and during flriting is in German compared to other countries I've been to and experienced this.

As "Wir sind Helden" said in ther song "Aurelie":

Aurélie so klappt das nie
Du erwartest viel zu viel
Die Deutschen flirten sehr subtil

(English translation - I made no attempts to put it in words that still match the rhythm and melody: "Aurelie, it won't work that way. You're expecting too much, Germans flirt very subtly")

And indeed I can tell: compared to, for example, the USA (using this example because I know enough people there and I've been thhere long enough to tell), while being much less open with their sexuality in general, looking for sex is often way more offensive and direct than what we're used to.
And I've experienced the same when talking to people from other places in the world as well. But I've also heard it the way around, with us being the more "blunt" ones.

In many places, it seems, when looking for a date (both, dating as in "looking for a relationship" as well as dating as in "looking for just sex") seems much more accepted or normal to primarily advertise oneself to "the audience" and stating that you're "here and waiting", without the need to use fancy wording, describe what we're looking for exactly and what we're looking for in partners.
Sure, stating that "I just want to fuck" is fin here just as well, but a personal ad (the fact that "Kontaktanzeige" is called an "ad" reflects the way people receive it quite well I think) centering mostly around what we can bring into a sex date, without introducing us as a person or saying anything about potential partners is usually not very well received. This does not seem to be the case in other cultures.

How do you people feel, German or otherwise, feel about this? Are we, as open as our society is towards alternative livestyles, kinks and sex in general, a little too defensive (and maybe romantic even at times) when looking for sex? Or is that just how we are? And why is that? Or do you completely disagree with my point that there IS a difference?

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*********ease Couple

26 Posts

Female counterpart: As an American woman who has lived and played in the UK and a number of other countries, there is definitely a difference in communication styles. The Germans have been more discrete and only direct upon meeting. I've had UK men come right out and ask me to be their slave before meeting them. Dude, our profile CLEARLY states we get to know people first. You have to get into my mind before you get into my panties. Fine, he's an ex porn star. Bring it down a bit there, kid. Tons of pics of your cock and you working out angrily are NOT a turn on for a number of women I know on this site. They prefer a classier, more subtle approach. Woo us. Don't flop your meat down on the table, as it were.

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*****alS

7,395 Posts

Thread creator

I would kindly ask to NOT discuss the other topic in here, and stick with the JOY Community Guide and be nice to each other. Publicly criticizing another member for his style of communication and content of his profile should not be the topic in here.
Instead though I'd be very interested in the differences you noted, especially as you seem to have insight in more than one country here! Is the biggest difference just that Germans hgave been more discrete so far? Or are they also more shy? Or even more sensitive towards a too openly communicated desire to mate with one another?

I read the other post that will not be mentioned. And I honestly don't think it has to do with cultural differences. You are absoultely right about most Germans. You all do not flirt like we do in America. But I find that many of the German men are genauso blunt like the guy from the other post that we will not mention. I get offers all of the time for all kinds of kinky shit (some of which I really like

) from men who don't even bother saying hello first. So having written that, I think it is just a matter of background. That is, what role did sexual themes have from our childhood? But that is just my opinion.

American men flirting are often direct and aggressive in person.

I find german men to be subtle in person.

Italian men are either super ego machismo or very sensual and caring.

I’ve had a lively and lovely French woman follow me in to the bathroom to flirt but that is another story. Hahaha

I am english but have been living in europe for over 20 years. The British pretend to be open and outgoing when flirting british men will take what they can then talk about you behind your back. Give them what they want and you are a whore. Mostly in the uk kinky sex and bdsm is disgusting to them so no point going down that track. I am an ex porn star also but dont go advertising the fact it will give me no advantages.
Dutch men dont flirt openly, they are more clingy in a creepy sort of way.. following you and trying to converse. They go to clubs and expect to join in without even asking. Which is why there are rules to follow. The BDSM scene is really cool there and there is more respect for the individual styles of play.
I am new here on the scene in Germany.. I find it difficult to find what I am looking for. Everything seems to be mainly kinky sex based on the BDSM scene. I get messages from married guys doing things that wont leave signs for their wives to see. The messages are far from subtle.. but they demand discretion, not respectful and quite demanding. So from my point it does seem odd.. getting messages without even an hello getting straight to the point. Ignoring my profile as if what i want doesnt interest them. that is what i have experienced.

getting messages without even an hello getting straight to the point. Ignoring my profile as if what i want doesnt interest them.

Exactly Lady_Paindragon!!! As if I were a prostitute giving away free pussy!

Completely ignoring my desires. Tja! Some of the men here in Germany can be really crude. But those I can ignore. I am still here because of the gentlemen I meet. And most of those gentlemen are German. Soooo again I don't think it has to do with culture. It has more to do with how these men were raised to treat women. Or either there queens at home aren't giving them enough goodies.

Quote from ******ppe:

„ I am still here because of the gentlemen I meet. And most of those gentlemen are German. Soooo again I don't think it has to do with culture.

No it has to do with each individual person. I personally enjoy direct truthful guys that treat me with respect. Where I am in germany it is really RC religious and the men in my village seem to think they are superior to women and look down on me, when they speak they are dominant and somewhat aggressive in their body language. Most of the women allow it. I dont I give dominant answers back. So I am a strange woman here who half of the village with no respect for women as equals avoid me including eye contact. I dont think they have ever met a dominant Lady before or someone who has the balls to treat them the way they try to treat me. I am a Lifestyle Dom but I treat my submissives with respect. I like it here too I will find like minded people i am sure of it. Nice post btw.

INteresting conversation - what does that mean for seduction - I hear you saying that in Germany seduction is more subtle - and almost slower..

And what kind of photograph is the correct one? Ok let's rule our dick shots for the time being - what strikes that balance between "in your face" and "maybe charm"?

Quote from ****eet:

„And what kind of photograph is the correct one? Ok let's rule our dick shots for the time being - what strikes that balance between "in your face" and "maybe charm"?

The first fotos or even profile fotos shouldnt really be of the private parts, I much prefer nice sexy clothing that enhances the bulge in the pants, something you can wonder about like a present in nice packaging. Being a BDSM type person I love fetish clothing, something pleasing yet sexy. Someone who has taken the time to dress and neatly wrap the goodies inside. It is less in your face but still sexy. As a Domme I do prefer the dicks to be the last of my worries. Much prefering them to be locked away in a cage where they cant do any damage. But thats just my preference. I dont look for sex but the interaction, I love mind games and reactions. It is the game that leads to sex if I so wish. So the dick is the least important part of the body for me.
You can tell a lot about a person from the eyes I like to look into the soul, is the person funny and playful or egocentric narcist.. the eyes do not lie.
This is just my view point.

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*********ease Couple

26 Posts

[ I'd be very interested in the differences you noted, especially as you seem to have insight in more than one country here! Is the biggest difference just that Germans hgave been more discrete so far? Or are they also more shy? Or even more sensitive towards a too openly communicated desire to mate with one another?

Properly chastised, thank you. And my comments are not just directed to the other poster. It's personally a big turn off for me, regardless of culture to see nothing but dickpics on a man's profile. I know a large number of women who agree with me, including some I see commenting above. Someone coming out and saying, "Wanna fuck?" or posting nothing but their "members" is just not classy. Yes, this site is set up for those kinds of interactions but why not use your imagination and seek playmates in another fashion? Maybe not post what amounts to an advertisement in a group, unless it's set up that way. How about showing your humor, intelligence, or creativity as well?

In my experience, (and there are some generalizations, yes) Japanese men tend to be more shy initially but then very direct and dominant when the time comes to play. German men haven't just come out and said the words, "I want to fuck." They tend to say it in other ways which may be more subtle, not shy, using humor, teasing, or finesse. Englishmen are very direct on play sites, both in profiles and posting in groups. Americans can be the same way though we're finding those here choose their words more carefully. Obviously, this is my own experience and there are exceptions to every rule.

Quote from *********ease:

„[ German men haven't just come out and said the words, "I want to fuck." They tend to say it in other ways which may be more subtle, not shy, using humor, teasing, or finesse. Englishmen are very direct on play sites, both in profiles and posting in groups. Americans can be the same way though we're finding those here choose their words more carefully. Obviously, this is my own experience and there are exceptions to every rule.

Not all German men are shy. I have been asked directly for sex. Even though I think it is more important to know someone's name first. But that is not why I am responding. I had an epiphany after reading this post. I realize now I do not understand German flirting. And as an American, I have to admit we are more direct. For instance, on one hot summer day, I was riding my bike by a construction site. And there was this FINE ASS man without a shirt. BOY! He was HOT!!! He had abs for days! (I got a little distracted there for a minute.

) Anyway, I signaled to him that I found him attractive. I said, 'Hey Handsome!' He gave me a look that frightened me. I thouhgt he was going to climb the fence and chase me away!

Up until I read this post, I thought he was just an idiot. But now I am wondering if I offended him somehow. Even though I was giving him a compliment. Who knows. Maybe he was just an idiot!

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*********ease Couple

26 Posts

My wording might have been off. I said German men were NOT shy, just more subtle.

Quote from *********ease:

„My wording might have been off. I said German men were NOT shy, just more subtle.

Sorry I misread that. But some German men can be quite the opposite of subtle.

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*****alS

7,395 Posts

Thread creator

Thank you all for your input on this!

I'd want to adress one point in particular that quite a few of you brought up: German men not being subtle (or polite in general) in messages online. I do agree that this is a thing, it's happening on basically any dating platform (adn even some not-dating dedicated social media) there is.

However, in my initial question - and I didn't really point that out, so I will do this now - I was actually more aming towards how flirting is expected to go aka "what kind of flirting/dating behaviour is well-received and 'successful'".
And all of you with almost no exception seemed to agree that those unsolicited dick pics, blunt, direct messages without even the shortest introduction and similar behaviour is just simply ignored.

My question would now be: do people tend to "get away" / "be successful" with more bluntness in other countries?

I think it depends on the person with whom you are flirting. Can they handle the bluntness? Or are they the closet type that prefer behind the doors flirting? For me (and many other women I know in America), we like someone to be blunt but at the same time charming. For example, if a guy approached me and said, 'I was wondering how did you get into those jeans.' I would be flattered. But if he asked, 'How could I get inside those jeans?' Then I would tell him where I bought them from, and that he should go try on a pair to see if they fit him.

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****OCK Man

12 Posts

Quote from ******ppe:

„I think it depends on the person with whom you are flirting. Can they handle the bluntness? Or are they the closet type that prefer behind the doors flirting? For me (and many other women I know in America), we like someone to be blunt but at the same time charming. For example, if a guy approached me and said, 'I was wondering how did you get into those jeans.' I would be flattered. But if he asked, 'How could I get inside those jeans?' Then I would tell him where I bought them from, and that he should go try on a pair to see if they fit him.

Look into my eyes, you will do everything i tell you to do

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**********aison Man

372 Posts

I admit that I am a big flirt and extrovert as well.

I think their are a lot if guys that in chat are very blunt. I usually do not think too highly of them.

Most of the couples and ladies I chat with here and have met enjoy the fact that I am a flirt. But I like chemistry and not just sex. If are able to flirt wirh each other and enjoy it, then the sex itself is hotter.

Quote from *****alS:

„My question would now be: do people tend to "get away" / "be successful" with more bluntness in other countries?

Men in general do not get away with bluntness no matter what the country. It really is not acceptable to be rude and obnoxious no matter what the language or country. I have lived all over the world been on many sites and gone to many clubs. There are good and bad in every country. I think it is down to the person to be honest. everyone is different. But the worst ones would be American men, aggressive dominant pushy and wanting to take over.. not all dont get me wrong i have met some nice polite americans too, and they can be more gentlemanly than the rest. From one extreme to another in one country,.
I blame their upbringing. It is here in germany also down to upbringing and background. a majority are subtle because it was never spoken about in the open at home. a taboo subject.
I have been accused of being subtle and Ladylike also due to my victorian upbringing, strict and very subtle. But most men see that as a turn on more so than an in your face wanna fuck type answer.

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******997 Man

3 Posts

I just recently moved to Germany so I too admit that the flirting is slightly different however, if one is genuine and actually wanting to participate in conversation I don’t think it matters where you’re from. As long as you’re caring and actually interested in hearing what someone has to say or just getting to know someone before knowing them in other ways. It’s important to build some trust first and it’s hard to do online of course but it helps if you’re courteous no matter what language you speak or where you are from! ❤️

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*********onfly Woman

78 Posts

Fly in Moscow

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********7_77 Man

7 Posts

hello to all) I read your thoughts and how you perceive the "romance" of the Germans ... and I just got messages from the couple .. hi, you wanna fuck my wife ??? ... my God .. how subtle it is)))

Света? а почему в Москву ??

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****la Man

44 Posts

Quote from *********ease:

„[ ...German men haven't just come out and said the words, "I want to fuck." They tend to say it in other ways which may be more subtle, not shy, using humor, teasing, or finesse....

and German woman tend to do the same... and it's really hard reading those signals.

As an South African now German, I must say my last couple of years here has really been a challenge, even though the Afrikaans culture is way more conservative than the average German culture, we still get to the point in public, discreetly.

The most noticeable difference is the physical distancing. I can understand that kissing on the lips is not really acceptable, but a simple hug is often seen as to much. And then there are those signals,

and boy how I miss them

In my own experience I must however say that I too, can agree that Americans seem more aggressive in their approach....it's a competition culture
The Southern Europeans seem to at least be a bit more open, but also more dramatic, and East Europeans remains a mystery. Central Europe is however rather diverse and I have to yet be a victim of drive-by-sex, but your quest to find an approach to " Kontaktanzeige" or distinguishing between flirting/romance and dating has grabbed my interest

I love the word techtelmechtel and knutschen... so much more fun... I think German's can sometimes seem direct in English because they are not native speakers - in their own language there is a beautiful playfulness.. anyone feel like a little techtelmechtel ?

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Cultural differences in flirting and dating

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