B is for BDSMSteps to a more kinky sex life


BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism and is one of the most well know and popular fetishes out there. But it’s not just about pain and humiliation as it often gets portrayed. While that can be apart of it, BDSM is a lifestyle preference that acts as an umbrella term for a variety of kinks and interests that are not limited to those in the acronym.

From Sarah Butcher

Typically, in BDSM, there are power dynamics at play, with one person taking on the role of Dominant, and the other submissive (D/s) While the Dominant may identify as a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain) and the submissive a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain), a D/s dynamic doesn’t have to be focused around pain at all.

About the author

Sarah Butcher – AKA Sub in the City is a BDSM Coach, Kink Educator, and proudly collard submissive, with over a decade of experience on the BDSM Scene. Sarah is on a mission to bring BDSM into the 21st Century and empower curious kinksters to consciously explore what BDSM means to them. Sarah does this through online and in-person workshops, events and retreats, as well as individual and couples coaching, to help you create the sex life you deserve.
Website: www.subinthecity.com
Instagram: @subinthecity
TikTok: @subinthecity
Twitter: @subinthecity

BDSM play is largely centred around the psychological connection between partners and anticipation and fantasy are important parts of the satisfaction that comes from this type of play. For the submissive, it’s all about surrendering to their partner and allowing the Dominant to lead them through their experience, and feeling safe to push their own boundaries when it comes to sexual exploration.

For the Dominant, an element of control is desired, but this isn’t just a one-way street, it’s a power exchange. This means that everything that happens during BDSM play is completely consensual. For BDSM to be safe, sane and consensual (SSC), it has to be built upon solid foundations of trust, communication and mutual respect. Whatever you are doing it should be safe and enjoyable for all involved.

Watch our Video about BDSM:


For anyone who is curious to explore BDSM dynamics in the bedroom, here’s a few tips to get started:


When exploring BDSM for the first time, or with a new partner, the first port of call is to have a discussion. Now, this might sound awkward for some, but if there’s one thing the BDSM community advocates, it’s talking about sex! We love to talk about sex before, during and after the event – doing so allows greater clarity, connection, and most likely, greater orgasms too!

Communication is everything when it comes to exploring your kinks, and if you’re unable to tell your partner what you want, then how are they ever going to know? The easiest way to get started is to create a YES/NO/MAYBE checklist or a sex menu to help you get clear in your desires. Do this alone and then come together with your partner to compare notes – it’s a great way to kick off a conversation about what you’d like to explore.

B is for BDSM

Communication & Safe Words

As you begin to explore BDSM it’s important to keep that communication flowing. You will have already discussed and agreed on the types of activities you want to explore, but since many aspects of BDSM involve pushing sexual boundaries, it is advised to always have a safe word agreed so that either party can stop what’s happening at any time. Using a simple safe wording system known as the "Stop Light System", can make it easier for you to communicate during play.

  • "Green" means "I’m all good, carry on",
  • "Amber" means "I’m okay but getting close to my limit, ease off"
  • and "Red" means "stop immediately".

This Safe Word system is universally known across the BDSM community and is a great tool for communication wherever you’re at in your BDSM journey.

Aftercare & Debrief

Aftercare is the part we don’t often see in porn – but it is absolutely vital to the experience as a whole. Aftercare is about providing a safe space after play to ground yourself and ensure the wellbeing of both yourself and your partner. This could look different for everyone depending on your own wants and needs, but could include activities such as a hot bath or shower, giving your partner a massage, hugging, watching your favourite TV show together, and most importantly – talking!

Take some time to talk about what you enjoyed and what you might like to do differently next time. This isn’t about critically evaluating your partner, but simply expressing what felt good and how you might want to explore next time. This maintains those foundations of trust, communication and mutual respect that make exploring BDSM fun and safe.

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