We’re socially speeding up in all sorts of ways, with the way we eat, consume content of all kinds, in how we approach attraction, dating and having sex too. And while there can be a positive side to finding quick resolution to our needs and desires, we deprive ourselves of the deliciousness, depth and richness which comes with taking things at a slower pace. This applies perhaps more than anything to dating and sex. This post looks at the mastery of slow attraction, dating and sexual expression. And the deep, fulfilling satisfaction attainment of such mastery ultimately brings. So if you’re all about discovering the hidden depths - and pleasures - of sexual relating, read on!
By PriestessPow
"My name is Paulina Tenner, I’m a sex positive community leader and a pro domme working in East London. I’m passionate about empowering humans to go on deeper explorations of parts of themselves that feel erotic, transgressive (if that’s what you want) and exciting as hell 🔥 If you’re interested in a session of this kind, DM me."
Holding your desire masterfully
I’ve run quite a lot of sober sex positive events, mostly across the UK, in the last two years.
During this time I’ve been able to observe all sorts of ways and patterns in which humans get attracted to one another. Most people come to my events seeking the beauty of connection, many of them have been deprived of this connection sometimes for years, also in the sexual context. Many have deep unfulfilled desires. Those who inspire me the most are always people who are 1. conscious of their desires 2. able to hold them masterfully. This means being able to be with others without any agenda, even if they feel a strong desire towards someone.
In short, it’s the difference between trying to make things happen because you really fancy someone and tuning into what wants to unfold naturally between you, that’s congruent with a wider context around you. It doesn’t mean hiding your desire or not being honest about it, quite the opposite. It does mean being sensitive to where the desire comes from within you and whether it has a clingy flavour to it (which feels like you must have something, and now, while there’s a chance of having it). To put it even more simply, it’s absolutely possible to feel strong desire, for someone in particular or for sexual connection in general, and not be attached to whether it gets fulfilled and when. Once you’re in the place of feeling desire and yet not chasing its fulfilment (but simply enjoying it), you completely own your sexual energy and you are in a territory of mastery.
Superficial attraction vs energy attraction
These days when I get sexually attracted to someone I tend to get curious why and what it might be in them that I find desirable. Compared to instant, hot flame of physical attraction (which I find usually means I’ve projected something or other on the person) what I tend to trust more is a kind of attraction that builds over time. With time, I have a chance to tune into the essence of the person I’m interacting with - as opposed to build an elaborate fantasy about them in my own head. Also, I pay attention to how I am in my body and mind when with them. Do I feel restless, completely swept away, wanting to make something happen between us soonest? Or do I feel calmly grounded in myself, restful, even if sexual desire is in the picture. How grounded they are, and how they hold their desire around me, is of course essential too.
While I’ve had lovely interactions with some humans I met via JOYclub and other sex positive platforms (also because of content I contribute and services I offer), I also regularly get messages of this type: “Hi, hot pics. I’m over in London on business on weekend x, would you like to come play in my hotel in South Kensington on Saturday?” While there’s nothing particularly offensive about getting a message of this kind, I’m sure you’re not surprised I haven’t responded to any of them. What’s missing is, for me, the most delicious part of sex: a promise of intimacy (or: “into me you see”), deep interest in what’s going on for me, in connection as such. When this is the basic ground of interaction then pretty much whatever unfolds is magic. Every touch can be electric. But if there is no foundation of deep interest, presence and safety in connection, (which can be felt when we’re physically together), I’d much rather have a delicious self pleasuring session if I’m in the mood to play with my sexual energy. Many of my friends, of all genders, feel the same way.
Having fun with (mutual) desire
Another lovely component of what I see as wholesome attraction and dating is enjoying the deliciousness of arising desire. Tasting and savouring it bit by bit. Our grandparents called it courting. In a more modern context it doesn’t need to mean a man “coming onto” a woman though. It can happen in all sorts of directions and between all sorts of genders. What it boils down to is giving your desire, in both directions, space to unfold. Enjoying the process of getting closer, bit by bit. Allowing for first touch of the hands to feel electric. Noticing the moment it begins to feel right to touch someone’s face or hair, with your lips or otherwise. Feeling the tingles (and allowing the pleasure of this in your body!) when you see the person or receive a text from them. Enjoying a fleeting exchange of words of caresses between you in the context of pleasure available to you in the moment, now, other than in terms of it being a promise of something more that might happen between you in the future. (Although it can be argued of course that you can enjoy the promise of something in this moment while not caring much whether or not it will actually happen 😉).
If there’s desire arising in you - even if not reciprocated - embrace it! It’s yours to fully feel. After all, while another may have triggered it, the pleasure you can feel as a result of desire is independent of the other person. And only you get to decide whether to focus on the pleasure/aliveness that you feel in your body or, for example, anxiety around whether your desire will come to fruition, how or when.
If the desire happens to be mutual, great, take time to have fun with it! Find ways to play with desire that lingers between you other than going swiftly towards resolution. Chances are that if you are fully present while at it, you will discover that the repertoire of pleasure you are able to feel in connection with another, and by yourself in the context of desiring another, is much wider than you’ve ever anticipated.
Deep fulfilment of slow sex
I’m far from denying there’s beauty to rough and dirty, fast and furious sex. The thing about slow sex is though that it can totally build up to all that in a steady climb, then morph into something soft and tender (for example), then shape shift into something else altogether. Slow sex tends to build up to a steady flame that you can control (other than it controlling you), and create all sorts of dynamics with. Once you build it up, your slow sex sessions can last several hours, the whole night or the whole weekend (ideally, take a break now and then for food and water). How does one attain the kind of sexual mastery which allows for the deep pleasures (and mysteries) of slow sex to unfold?
First of all, I recommend to all of my private BDSM and sexual healing clients to really get to know their bodies, including their erogenous zones (which often shift and change with time) and more tender parts in a self pleasuring practice. You can read more about this in my previous articles.
Secondly, it pays to know the dynamics of your own arousal including how it ebbs and flows, and how it can be escalated and de-escalated using breath, voice, touch, movement, stillness and imagination.
Thirdly, all these skills can only truly shine if you’re ready to be fully present with and attuned to your lover. What matters most here is the authentic curiosity how their bodies - and minds - work. If you’re genuinely in tune with them and have enough patience, you will most likely be able to pick up all sorts of subtle (or less subtle! 😉) clues in terms of sound and movement and find what gives them pleasure and other beautiful or surprising sensations. If you’re not sure or it seems difficult to get there - ask and talk it through! During the date before, in the act itself, and/or over breakfast the day after. The best of lovers are those who are great communicators, whether using words or simply body language. Once you’ve nailed that, the beauty, nourishing and healing power of slow sex is yours for the taking.
Lastly, it can really help to get into a relaxed flow state with your partner and let sexual desire arise, gradually, from there. Hop naked into bed (or bathtub!) or create a luscious lovers’ nest in your living room with pillows and blankets. Give each other sensual touch or tension relief massage. Play soft music. Enjoy your favourite food or drink. Learn to activate your and your partner’s parasympathetic nervous system so that desire that arises in this space is more sustainable, comfortable, and can be lingered in.
There’s so much that could be said about slowing down when it comes to our romantic and intimate lives. In my line of work, both in terms of running events and private sessions, it’s so lovely to see more and more people discover the beauty of dating and sex that’s less action driven (or goal oriented) and takes its sweet time to unfold. If you’d like to learn more about how to implement this in your life, I’m open to hearing from you. In the meantime, take your time to feel the good things desire, connection and sex bring, by yourself or with others. Pleasure is our birthright!
How about you: Do you take things slow every now and then or are you more of a racer? Let us know in the forum!
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