7 Secrets of Conscious Masturbation

Have you never quite nailed meditation while sitting still and watching your thoughts come and go? How about meditating through watching the ebb and flow of erotic pleasure in your body (and, potentially, your fantasies too!) instead? Welcome to conscious - or mindful - masturbation.

By PriestessPow

Would you like to know more about the author?

"My name is Paulina Tenner, I’m a sex positive community leader and a pro domme working in East London. I’m passionate about empowering humans to go on deeper explorations of parts of themselves that feel erotic, transgressive (if that’s what you want) and exciting as hell 🔥 If you’re interested in a session of this kind, DM me."

In my world, literally anything (ok perhaps not filing my taxes!) can become a deeply mindful activity these days. And one of my favourite forms of meditation is a sexual one, no matter whether I’m doing it with a partner or by myself. In many ways, it is actually easier to practise solo, at least to begin with. Where to start?

Secret 1 - It’s all about the right setting

Firstly, create a little boudoir just for yourself. A place and time when you can fully relax and drop into your experience. Switch the damn phone off. And anything but worry about family members or housemates possibly interrupting you. Put on some moody lights, perhaps candles or incense (if you like it), throw together a perfect playlist on Spotify for maximum pleasure. Fill the bathtub with steaming water and add essential oils. Create a time and a place where you can simply indulge and which is so beautifully set up you would enjoy it even without the sexual pleasure in the mix.

Secret 2 - Enjoy a full on date with yourself

It’s a truly fantastic idea, if you can spare the time, to actually have an entire date… with yourself! Imagine dedicating an evening to simply spoiling yourself. Not worrying about anybody else’s experience but your own. Making it absolutely perfect, just for you. What would you wear to simply please yourself, feel incredible? Where would you take yourself? Perhaps to an exquisite restaurant you never even considered going to by yourself (highly, highly recommended! Nothing like booking “a table for one please” with a little smug smile on your face). Perhaps to see this rather cool new movie you’ve been thinking of inviting a friend or a romantic connection to. Forget friends or romantic connections for a second. YOU are the one friend and romantic connection (if you love or even just like yourself) that you will keep seeing for the rest of your life. So cherish yourself.

During the date you might want to give yourself a compliment now and again, just like you might compliment someone else you’d take on a date with (why not! There are quite a number of awesome things about you after all!). Or buy yourself a little gift and open and/or use it for the first time during your date. For no other reason other than to feel pleasure of getting yourself something lovely.

A little fun in the bath?

Secret 3 - Ramp up the tension way ahead of time

Whether you’re on a date with yourself or just busy getting on with your day, why not ramp up the erotic tension in preparation for what’s to come - with thought of gentle fleeting touch now and again, not necessarily just genital. Caress your skin. Massage the back of your neck. And perhaps give yourself a little sexual pleasure too in the darkness of the cinema or under that posh restaurant table cloth. The kicks you can easily get given how naughty it is to be doing it - carefully! - in public are incredible. Also, you can periodically dive into fantasy land, whatever currently turns you on and/or brings pleasurable sensations.

Secret 4 - Enjoy all the starters, and the main course, properly

And then when you’re finally alone at that beautiful hotel you’ve chosen for the night or, simply, at home, real fun can begin. Importantly, really (REALLY) take your time. This isn’t about quickly distressing yourself/discharging the sexual tension (which isn’t to say it’s not a valid form of masturbation, as far as I’m concerned every form of masturbation is completely beautiful and valid - unless you make someone watch/witness who doesn’t want to be part of the experience). This is about unapologetically luxuriating in the experience. Taking all the time in the world for your pleasure. Prioritising it above everything else.

Give yourself some foreplay first, if you like. Tease yourself. For example, genital touch through clothes only. Or nearing but not quite touching them. How about a little striptease for yourself in front of the mirror, enjoying the beauty of your own body? You can massage your erogenous zones or discover them all over again! In short, be the best lover you’ve ever had. Do the things you’ve always wanted for someone else to do to you but never dared ask. Or even if you did ask and get, let’s face it - absolutely no one can read your thoughts and embrace your desires to a degree YOU can.

All the while, literally meditate on the experience of pleasure that you are feeling. On different qualities and textures of pleasure possible depending where and how you touch. I love using feathers, silk scarves, delicate paint brushes and even BDSM toys like pinwheels or nipple clamps/pegs on myself. Self massage with exquisite body oils. Licking honey, liquid chocolate or caramel off of any accessible body parts is also highly recommended. You could even mix sexual fluids with your favourite sweet treats if this gives you kicks. Experiment! Discover where sensual pleasure, in all its possible dimensions, can take you.

If an experience that isn’t pleasurable arises (for example a difficult memory to do with sexual expression or pain in your genitals), greet it with infinite patience. The way you might if a lover of yours was going through something tricky while being sexual with you. Don’t judge. Embrace. Just decide it’s perfectly fine. Perhaps pause and move to a different body part. Or focus your thoughts on something that feels beautiful and safe (or like a mega turn-on!) instead of reliving a difficult experience from the past. And don’t beat yourself up if something, anything, doesn’t go according to plan. There is no such thing as a “wrong move” when it comes to conscious masturbation. It’s all about becoming even better at it each time you do it.

Secret 5 - Use fantasy and cos play

While playing with fantasies and various sexual scenarios you might like to imagine is something that can be by all means conducive with conscious masturbation, I wouldn’t recommend watching porn. Why? It simply tends to take you away from your experience. You become lost in what others are doing as opposed to coming back to what YOU are doing and how good it feels. A beautiful extension of fantasy play could be exploring costumes for generating those extra sexual kicks (also known as “cos play”).

Have you always wondered what it might be like to wear fishnets or stockings as a straight guy? Do it! Perhaps while imagining you’re a sexy woman. Have you wondered what exploring your bi-curiosity might be like as a straight woman? Dress in a way only a fellow beautiful foxy lady would appreciate, the little details and all the care put into it. Maybe take sultry photos of yourself in suggestive poses in front of the mirror before you imagine having sex with a woman? Don’t worry, no one has to see them (unless you want them to, later!). Once you put on a beautiful outfit you are literally living your fantasy, without the need for anyone else to be involved.

And remember - when playing with mental imagery, don’t lose yourself in it. Keep coming back to the sensation of physical, and emotional pleasure. Literally meditate on the experience of pleasure and how it feels in your body, and what emotions it stirs in your mind (the brain is, after all, the biggest - and most versatile - sexual organ we all have!).

Secret 6 - Delayed gratification and afterglow

It might be a good idea to decide ahead of time whether you’d like to have an orgasm (or several!) or just keep the waves of pleasure coming and leave the session on a high but without discharging the erotic energy that you’ve built. It can then be used to supercharge your creativity, and your life in general, elevating your overall levels of happiness and productivity, as per tantric teachings. But both choices are perfectly valid!

If you do want to orgasm, and particularly if experience tells you only one peak might be possible, take your sweet, sweet time to get there. Build up the tension several times and then stop, completely letting the stimulation go for a time or changing the pace and/or type of it. An orgasm tastes SO much sweeter when, ehm, properly earned. You might also like to learn different, often deeper types of peak orgasms as part of your ongoing conscious masturbation practice, such as G spot or cervical orgasm or a prostate orgasm. There are lots of great sex toys on the market you can use to help with that.

Importantly, never get fixated on getting to the actual orgasm. What do a few seconds of it matter given minutes, hours perhaps, of exquisite pleasure you’ve just enjoyed. The journey counts for everything when it comes to conscious masturbation. Not the orgasm in itself (which can be, of course, a beautiful part of that journey if you want it to).

If and when you finally get there, enjoying the experience to the max (think about how you best like to cum and plan ahead!), again take your sweet, sweet time to luxuriate in the afterglow. What does the depth of the relaxation you can now feel taste like in various parts of your body? Take a mental note of it. And then surrender fully to it for as long as it feels great, perhaps even permitting yourself a little cozy nap under a plush blankie.

It’s a fantastic idea to enjoy this little down time, and wrap up of the whole session, whether or not you’ve had an orgasm. It gives you time to be with the intensity of your experience and integrate it - a little like the final savasana pose after a full on yoga class.

Enjoy your own body

Secret 7 - The advanced game

If you want to, you can take your self pleasuring (or conscious masturbation) practice to an entirely new level by for example...

setting an intention for it - while masturbating we typically generate copious amounts of erotic energy which is magnetic in nature. Is there something you might like to attract to your life or a life of a loved one? By doing this you enter the sex magic territory (don’t worry! It’s entirely safe and beautiful).
infusing a stressful situation you are facing (or will fade soon) with erotic energy running through your system - don’t be surprised when the situation in question (for example something annoying you need to do for work) gradually starts feeling less stressful and more manageable or, even, pleasurable to deal with!
infusing your conscious masturbation with prayer (to whatever/whomever you wish to pray to) or, simply, gratitude which is where you may begin to enter transcendental states through sexual pleasure.

Conscious masturbation has seriously changed the lives of many in countless beautiful ways. May it change yours too.
Happy masturbating!

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