Kink 101

Getting into kink - or getting your partner into kink - might not be as straight forward as you think. So, here's your guide. You're welcome.

By Venus Libido

Get to know the author!

Venus Libido is a qualified Sex Educator, Sex and relationships coach and training Clinical Sexologist and relationships therapist. For the last three years, Venus has been working in the field of sex education, sex toys and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationship.

Let’s start with the basics…

There are many definitions of what Kink means, and everyone will have their own personal
definitions of what it means to them. Generally, the term "kink" refers to sexual or sometimes non-sexual interests or preferences that deviate from "traditional norms" or practices. What is considered conventional or the norm, of course, will vary and depend on factors like cultural backgrounds, history and society. But simply put, kink is anything that falls outside what society considers normal or "vanilla sex", as some may say.

Kink can be very subjective, and once we start to explore different ways to enjoy sex or intimacy, then what is considered kinky to the individual will evolve and change. For example, you may start with exploring spanking or blindfolds, but over time this may not be considered so much of a kink for you and just a regular part of your overall sexual experience.

Kink can involve engaging in activities, fantasies, behaviours or even spiritual practises. It may be a fun addition to someone's sexual experiences, but it's not always needed to experience sexual satisfaction. A kink can sometimes bring extra erotic energy, which can also be in the form of mental, emotional, and physical stimulation.

Kinks can vary widely and are unique to each the individual. Some common examples include BDSM, role-playing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and many others. It's also important to remember that kinks do not have to be pain related, intense, or extreme. They can include soft and gentle forms of play.

One last thing to note is that it is important to remember that engaging in kinks or alternative sexual practices and intimacy requires informed consent from all parties involved. Open communication, negotiation, and respect for boundaries are crucial to ensure the well-being and comfort of all participants. Consent and mutual enjoyment are key factors in healthy sexual exploration. So no means no if someone doesn't want to explore with you.

Tired of reading? Watch Venus' livestream here!

How to talk to your partner about trying a kink

Some people are hesitant to talk to their partner about a kink they want to explore because we are surrounded by shame when it comes to anything outside of what's considered the norm.

It might be scary to put yourself out there, but ultimately the only way to create a sex life that not only excites you but also allows you to explore every part of yourself without shame is to start a conversation. You might be surprised to find they also have some kinks they would like to explore and are just as nervous about bringing up their interests with you.

If you find talking to your partner about your kink or exploring your kink a bit daunting, I suggest using some non-verbal prompts to gauge their interests. Some ideas that might help would be sending an article, an image, or even a book on the kink you want to try to a partner and ask them what they think of it. Ask them if this would be something they would ever try with you. Or get their thoughts on it before suggesting you try it out together.

Remember to be patient and understanding, and fully acknowledge that your partner may need time to process and consider the idea. It may shock or worry them initially, but be patient and use reassuring language. Understand that they may have reservations or concerns, and take time to address their questions or uncertainties. Give them space to express their thoughts and feelings; never pressure or shame anyone into doing something they don't feel comfortable doing.

Also, respect their response; your partner might not share the same level of interest or enthusiasm about the kink as you do. It's crucial to respect their boundaries and preferences. If they're not comfortable exploring the kink, discuss alternative ways to fulfil your sexual desires or consider compromising on activities that both of you find mutually satisfying.

Some great resources to share with your partner might be using porn sites that perform the kink you are interested in and sharing that with them and watching them together. I wouldn't recommend porn solely about that kink, but rather something that incorporates it to ease them and even yourself into it slowly. Or my favourite way to introduce a kink to a partner is through books. My favourite one is this one here called 101 kinky things to try. You could read this together and make yes, no, maybe lists of the things you are both happy to explore. This is a fun way to agree on your curiosities and hard no's mutually.

To recap, my advice is:

Don't be afraid to talk about your Kink with a partner, and use resources if talking is too difficult.
Be patient for their response, and don't rush them.
Please respect their decision and discuss alternatives if they are willing or comfortable to do so.
Create a yes, no, maybe list together so you can get on the same page.
Don't be ashamed of your kinks. All safe and consensual sexual practices are equally valid.
Read up on kinks. Lots of kinks are misunderstood, and many are far more common than you might think.
If you aren't quite ready to share fantasies verbally, then share them visually by way of watching kinky porn together.
Think about ways to compromise. Can you explore your kinks in a way that makes everyone happy?

Do's and Don'ts when exploring a kink

First, reflect on your desires before initiating the conversation, and take some time to understand your interests, desires, and boundaries regarding the specific kink. This will help you communicate your needs more effectively with others. This could also include researching your areas of interest so you know how to perform them safely and with the right tools. If it's a kink you can try by yourself first, then by all means, see if it's something you think you might like by exploring alone. There are plenty of classes and events you can attend now that introduce you to the world of kinks and specific kinks.

When it comes to your partner and their involvement, it's really important you start slow and establish trust with your partner. So begin your exploration gradually, especially if you and your partner are new to the kink. There is no need to rush it. You must build a solid communication, consent, and respect foundation. Take it step by step, allowing each other to adjust and learn along the way and don't be afraid to get it wrong. Sex is messy, and nothing has to be perfect, especially the first time.

Also, clearly define your boundaries and limits before engaging in any kink activity. Discuss what is and isn't acceptable and what you're comfortable with, and establish a safe and judgment-free space where both partners can express their needs and concerns.

This could include:

being very precise about what you do and don't want
discussing your hard NOs
having non-negotiables

Better safe than sorry!

Safety should always be a top priority when exploring kink. So always research and implement safety measures specific to the kink you're exploring. This can include using safe words or signals, using appropriate equipment or tools, knowing how to handle potential risks and communicating when you are reaching your limit or are no longer comfortable with what is happening.

There is a popular acronym used by kinksters called RACK which stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. RACK is an understanding that no sexual activity is ever 100% safe, but being aware of the risks and making an informed decision focusing on consent is vital.

Remember, you can withdraw at any time, which should be respected by all parties involved.

A great way to better understand the world of kink or a specific kink is to engage with kink communities or groups that provide support, education, and a space for sharing experiences. This can offer valuable insights, guidance, and connections to individuals who have similar interests or experiences. A platform just like JOYclub!

Don't forget aftercare!

Aftercare is an essential aspect of kink play that focuses on providing emotional and physical support to individuals involved in a scene. The specific aftercare needs can vary depending on the individuals and the intensity of the experience. Aftercare is just as important as engaging in the kink itself. Here are some general guidelines for aftercare after exploring a kink:

Engage in open and honest communication with your partner(s) about your feelings and emotions following the scene.
Continue to communicate with your partner(s) in the following days or weeks after the scene to assess how everyone is feeling. This ongoing communication allows for the discussion of any lingering thoughts, concerns, or emotions that may arise.
Allow yourself and your partner(s) some time to decompress and process the experience. This may involve engaging in calming activities such as taking a warm bath, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or simply having quiet time together.
Engage in activities that foster a sense of closeness and connection after the scene. This can include cuddling, holding each other, or engaging in gentle and affirming touch. Verbal affirmations, such as expressing appreciation for each other's participation and care, can also be beneficial.
Attend to any physical needs that may have arisen during the scene. This may include providing water, offering blankets or warmth if necessary, and tending to any minor injuries or discomforts. Consider applying soothing lotions or engaging in gentle touch or massage to promote relaxation.

When a kink remains a fantasy

Remembering that a kink can remain a fantasy and doesn't necessarily have to be played out in real life is important.

You can do this by engaging in self-exploration. This can involve erotic writing, creating scenarios in your mind, or exploring kink-related content (such as erotica, art, or literature) that aligns with your interests.

You could even try maintaining a personal journal to write about your fantasies, desires, and thoughts related to the kink. This can serve as a private space to explore and process your feelings without necessarily acting them out in reality.

Do you have any experience with kink? And do you have any advice on how to approach a partner for a kinky request? Share in our forum!